Soft Scorn

Definition :

Misanthropic / adj. A general hatred or contempt for fellow human beings,
of other people in general. Opposite of philanthropist.

example :
Jimmy Carter : philanthropist
Heather : misanthropist

Example of 'misanthrope' in conversation :
Heather : " This movie just shows how stupid people are. I hate people ."
Jay : " My, aren't we the misanthrope ?"
Heather : " What did you call me, you idiot !? Tell me you stupid son of a bitch !
What kind of stupid f**ked up word is that, dumbass? I hate you ! "

(An excerpt from The Werbinox Chronicles)

OR...

Are we ready? Oh,good! Welcome to the forum that lacks wit, mirth, intelligence and ingenuity Comments are welcome, as I cannot hope to hold attention spans on my own merit Blog away! Dear friends, read, learn, and re-affirm your soul and mind!


Jun 30, 2002
      ( 11:28 AM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny !

A Scotsman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar
is closing.
So the Scotsman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing
it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again!"

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      ( 1:25 AM ) sisoflexx
My site got a hit from Google Search: heather taylor.
That makes me feel uneasy.
Hmm.
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Jun 29, 2002
      ( 7:03 PM ) sisoflexx
This was actually Morgan's idea of a skit

" Mom ! I can't find the bathroom ! "

" What are your land marks ?'

" Huh ?"

What box are you next to ? "

" Umm, it says ' U-Haul.' "

" Is it next to a ' Towlmaster ' box ? "

" Yes. "

" Does it have 'fragile, glasses ' written on it ? "

" Yeah ."

" Okay, go to the right corner of that stack, and turn to your right."

" Alright, I'm at the corner."

" Do you see a 'Dell' computer box to your right, with 'kitchen knick knacks ' written on it ?"

" Uh huh."

" Okay, turn left, and you should see the bookshelf next to the bathroom. "

" Okay, I see it ! Thanks, Mom !"

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      ( 7:03 PM ) sisoflexx
Hilarious.

I had to drive Jay's car to work yesterday.
Jay's car... Well, let me put it this way : It sucks.
Jay was giving me tips on how to keep it running, while stopped at a light.
" What I do is keep my foot equalized on the gas and the clutch at the same time, then when I get to go, I roll my foot over to the gas. When you have to gun it out into traffic, make sure the engines' still running, okay ? I'd hate for you to stall in the middle of an intersection."

I think, he's just being a worry wart, I'll be fine.

I head out in the morning I remember the stuffing falling out of the driver's seat, so I take a blanket out and drape it over the seat. Believe me, it's pretty bad. I pull down the hill ( 85 degrees ), and there's no power steering, so I pull my left shoulder turning out of our driveway.
I get to the stopsign at the highway, I-985, and see there are no cars coming, and pull out. No prob.

There's a light drizzle. Wipers on. ' Eek......eek EEEEKK. Eek...eek EEEEKK! ' Like nails on a chalk board. I giggle profusely. No prob.

No radio. No Prob.

Wind yanking this small car left and right, no prob.

I get to the exit I need to take to get to work, and slide into traffic. No prob.

I get to my first stop light. I decide my method will be to put on the hand/parking brake, and keep my foot on the gas pedal lightly. It didn't stall. Light turns green, I let the handbrake down, then shift to 1st and go. No prob.

The next light, I stall. Yes, I'm red faced, but what are you gonna do ? A prob.

Finally make it to work, chugging weakly.

In the afternoon, it's like an oven in there. That is a prob. I roll down the window. Aah !
No air conditionong. That's a problem in Jawja. It was only 85 degrees, but humid as hell.
I only stalled once each way, but it was embarrassing. I remembered Jay's advice on getting up our hill at our house : " Don't stop and get the mail, you need a running start. You can't just start cold. Turn ( strenuously ) and put it into first gear and gun it."

I did, and I could feel it failing before I got to the top of the hill.

I love you honey, pumpkin, whatever, but this is the last time I let you borrow my car for a long trip !
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      ( 7:00 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny !

"I saw a heavy woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid Problem?'" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you fake that, you're in."
Courtney Cox

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps" Tiger Wood

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Patricia Arquette

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack
Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce . . . . , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to
women's breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There is very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I am doing, just show me somebody naked.'" Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we
can open all our own jars." Bruce Willis (on the difference between men and women)

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge
Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
Sharon Stone

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either
you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." Henry Kissenger

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Co-Founder: Apple Computers) >
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Jun 28, 2002
      ( 5:24 PM ) sisoflexx

Crackin' Classic !



Remembering details in your life are very important, I think. Good or bad. It shows you still have emotions.
I don't. ( Unless I watch Of Mice And Men again.)
When I tell stories, either to friends or co-workers, I suddenly think, " I've got to put that in my blog !"
In this case, I started teling one story, then led off into another.
Let me just say this : Forgive me , Mum !

My Mum, Jay, Morgan and myself were sitting at a booth in Denny's ( Alexandria , Va. ) about a year and a half ago, before she left for England. We got on the subject of divorces, and how children were affected by it.
Jay told us how his parents came into his bedroom when he was around 10 years old, sat him down, and told him how they weren't in love anymore, but they were still friends, and this didn't mean they didn't love him, etc. And after they were through telling him, he said he cried, but as he lay there, later, as his mom was saying goodnight, there was nagging question in his mind. He asked his mom, " Are we still going to Kings Island ? "
" Is that the only thing you care about ? " his mom asked. " NOo-oo." he replied.

We all had a good laugh about it in the booth, and I said, " At least you were sat down , or at least told it was happening ! "
" What do you mean ? I'm sure your father and I discussed it with you ! "my mum cried indignantly.
Nope.
What happened was, I remember coming home from school ( 6th grade , Morgan's age now ) and finding a semi trailer in the front yard. The house was cleared. It was all gone !
I walked through the house, my room, the living room, all empty. Devoid of furnishings.
I actually don't remember being told anything. She may have said something ,
some explanation, but I have forgotten if she did, maybe because I was floored at the time.

If I thought I was floored, think of what my Dad came home to. For years he's had us laughing about the list of things my mum left for him
" There was the recliner, a lamp, the stereo, a small pot, a plate, a bowl, a spoon and a fork.
She didn't leave me a fucking knife ! " he exclaimed.
I'm sure it wasn't funny to him at the time, but that sentence has gotten a lot of mileage !

The reason this story popped into my mind was because I was telling Yana and Lisa about the house me, my brother and mother moved into.
It was on a main street called Kingsway and it was a row house, pre-WWII, on a row of about six.
The facade was flint rocks imbedded in plaster, the whole building was covered in flint.
It was avery narrow house, and I was explaining to my co-workers' how steep the stairs were. They were concealed behind a door, and they led up in a circular pattern. You really had to lift your legs just to climb them. They were one notch down compared to climbing a freaking ladder. I remember Alex slipped and hurt his back pretty bad.
There were 2 rooms upstairs. Before, Alex and I had our own bedrooms for the first time at base housing, and now we were sharing a room again. The funny thing about this room was the floors bowed in slightly. Any big dressers against the wall were, well, not against the wall. I lived in fear I would find myself crushed by stepping on a floorboard the wrong way. When you walked across the room it gave me the sense of walking downhill, then back uphill. It wasn't that prominent, I am embellishing a little, but there was a concavity there.
The kitchen was big. Big enough to fit the bathtub in the corner. Yes, you heard me right.
You had to make sure you got your drinks or snacks before anyone could take their bath. No curtain, either !
No wonder I'm such a prude, now !

Did I mention the toilet ?
No, not ' bathroom ".
Toilet.
You just head through the kitchen, out the back door and into the overgrown tangled weeds.
Toilet's on the right.
A little flintstone covered privvy. Pull that string there. Bling ! A bare light bulb !
The toilet paper there looks puffy because it's swollen with moisture because the sun hasn't shined in weeks. By the time that paper hits your crack, it's absorbed all it can. You're just smearing shit over your cheeks. That's okay, just go wash off with a nice bath. It's okay that you're fourteen years old and your prepubecent brother is coming and going as he pleases.

Er..That didn't sound right.
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      ( 4:09 PM ) sisoflexx
Well, it seems I've passed the 2,000 hit mark.
Congratulations.
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      ( 4:01 PM ) sisoflexx
Which Mike Myers'
character are you ?

Me, Austin Powers.

I should have been Shrek.
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      ( 3:52 PM ) sisoflexx
House News
I know you've all been anxiously waiting. Right. Anyhoo, the VA loan part was approved. But since it's so close to closing, it ( closing date ) may be pushed back a few days. It will definately be next week. Sweet !
Of course, we didn't get our home owners insurance taken care of. Long story.
This week we've been quoted in the $ 500 a year estimate. Then, we find out, because the house is more than 5 miles from a firestation, it jacks' that estimate over double. Lowest one yet : $ 1, 200 annual !!!
I talked to one insurance company, and she had just told me $ 1,400 with them, then recommended I call Farm Bureau, because they deal more with " rural " areas. I call them up, and I'm quoted $ 425, + $ 25 annually for membership fees. That's it. Firestation doesn't matter. YES !
Judi and Charles sent me a lo-oo-oong download of pics of the house, they came out really good.
I'll post them today, and add a link for you 3 readers to view them.
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      ( 3:42 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny !

A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in " fashion sense ".
The man walks up to him and says, " I didn't know you were into earrings."
" Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring. " he replies sheepishly.
" Oh, really ? So how long have you been wearing one ?"

" Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
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Jun 27, 2002
      ( 8:26 PM ) sisoflexx
There's some new ad's in the Washington Times, seeking an individual with Braylen's qualifications :

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE :
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED :
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

Actually, you know what ? This sounds like my job.
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      ( 8:26 PM ) sisoflexx
I was going to dedicate this one to Donna , since she's the cat lover in my blog family, but then I thought, I hope she doesn't think this is how I perceive her.
Then again, at least she'll appreciate the humor !

Cat Wisdom:
Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you but whine when they're not happy.
They're totally unpredictable and moody.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion :
They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
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      ( 3:55 PM ) sisoflexx

Highway Hades Hi-Jinx!

Acidman mentioned in my comments how worried I should be on the highway everyday with all the idiots. Which is funny, because I thought of that today. I think about it everyday, in fact ! Thank goodness I don't see crazy behavior everyday, like an earlier post of mine :
Highway Hades' Hi-Jinx
This week, I pulled into a Speedway to grab some smokes, and as I got out of my car, locked my door, I turned to see the SUV parked beside me was running.
I noticed the doors were unlocked, and I thought, " Idiot ! "
Then my gaze settled on a small three year old boy in the back seat. I thought , " Fucker !"
7-8 years ago I saw a woman leave her kid in the car when she ran into the convenience store on base housing, some SP's happened to stop by while I was pumping gas. They saw the car, the child, and went over and took the child out of the car.
And waited.
You should have seen that woman's face ! She was mortified !
I went through the aggravation of having a quick stop, or easy go of it thwarted by the knowledge of having a small child who was the cause of making it " harder " on me. I was anal, ( and still am ) about leaving a kid unattended.
Yes, he may be a wimp or worse when he grows up, but at least he will grow up .
I think worse case scenario. All the time. It can happen. Like Jay says, ( one of my favorite sayings of his ) :
" Unlike the unicorn, it does exist ."

Like the truck I watched in my rearview mirror today. Closer, closer... I thought, " There's no one in the left lane, you ass, pass already ! You know you're going to have to !"
Yet, closer he came.
Yes , he waited until he could nearly clip my left tail light with his right head light. Just 3 inches to spare, by my reckoning. I should have tapped the brakes a minute before. All these NASCAR freaks. And this guy's in a old 1985 pickup, like he can do outstanding maneuvers in that heap.
I also love the assholes who speed up to pass me, only to get on the exit that is to my immediate right. ( I'm actually abreast/passing the damn exit ! )
I mean, I'm going at an unsafe speed to shoot off to the right, but this guy/gal's going to do it across two lanes. They could have pulled in behind me, but no, that would mean slowing down. There's no one behind me for miles ! Agh !
Today I also saw a Camero with the drivers' side door ajar 4 inches. Here he is, driving 65 miles an hour, with the wind whistling in through the open space. Nice.
I had a guy pull up next to me yesterday, and I kept hearing this intermittent thumping. I thought maybe it was rap music blasting, but on closer inspection, his passenger side window was open. It wasn't that. It really did sound like someone was banging around in the trunk. This is one of those times I think I should have intervened somehow , because later, I'll hear on the news about some poor sap found in an abondoned car. Then I think, " Naw ! Couldn't be ! "
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      ( 3:52 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny !

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."



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Jun 26, 2002
      ( 7:14 PM ) sisoflexx
I don't know where he comes up with this stuff ! It's great !

Support Our Women!

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not a wife, this Saturday afternoon at 2:00 PM.Eastern time, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation.

God Bless America! Come on guys, get out there and support the gals as they root out the terrorists hiding inYOUR neighborhood!!
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      ( 5:13 PM ) sisoflexx
Another Funny!
Marba just sent me this and I burst out laughing. I guess I'll have two funnies today. Thanks Mabs !

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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      ( 4:47 PM ) sisoflexx
All this talk about the athiest vs. The Pledge Of Alligience.
" Under " and " God " are two words, no more. If they leave it up to individuals, on whether or not they choose to say the pledge, or leave out " certain " offensive words, or not say it all, that's fine with me.
I'd let my son make his own mind up. I don't think he should be forced to participate.
I was brought up reciting The Pledge, and I still know it my heart. I remember a ( was it Neil Bortz or Shaun Hannity ? ) radio talk show where they have someone go out on the street and ask people by random, questions of a patriotic flavor, and a lot of people couldn't answer simple questions, like who Dick Cheney is or recite the Pledge.

Leave it up to individual choice, and I'll be okay with it.
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      ( 3:55 PM ) sisoflexx
Finally found out where Diana was all weekend.
Good friend that she is, she neglected to tell me she was going out of town for the weekend.
I kept calling. And calling. In her house, the phone is always picked up.
I could picture her laying there, slaughtered by a mad man. ( Well, her ex. Same dif. )
I'm sure she'll keep me informed in the future !
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      ( 3:51 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny !

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep - the man in the
upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and
says,"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have better
idea.Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says "GOOD..... Get your own fucking blanket."
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Jun 25, 2002
      ( 6:08 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny !

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains
to the employee her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly
line foreman comes in and starts complaining about this new employee. He says she's
incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the
problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the very end of the
line is the new employee. She has a roll of the fabric used for the Elmos, and a big
bag of marbles.

They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and
starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls
himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you
misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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      ( 5:55 PM ) sisoflexx
Agh !
Packing sucks.

We haven't heard the final word on the VA loan part yet, but our realtor spoke to Jay today and told him that if the VA dude had found something wrong, we'd know by now.
Kathy ( realtor ) also talked to Russell ( owner ) today, and he said he may just need only one day to move out .
( cool ! ) We may be moving 4 days ahead of schedule. That also means we'd better get freaking packing !
Agh !
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      ( 2:51 PM ) sisoflexx
Calling all bloggers !

Check out this story on Mad World, it's unbelievable. No, wait, it's not. But, does anyone know a good lawyer, to give Braylen some advice ?
I know I only get 11 hits a day, but someone somewhere must know a shark ! ;o)
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Jun 24, 2002
      ( 7:52 PM ) sisoflexx
Yes,
Another
Personality Test.

Your Grade

Thank You! Your score is 34, the best we've had so far. However, it also means you are the personality equivalent of a game show host.

But what is the highest test score, I wonder ?

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      ( 7:30 PM ) sisoflexx

Today's Funny !

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like
that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother
is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She
explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just
not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off
your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
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      ( 7:29 PM ) sisoflexx
"Everything to excess. Moderation is for monks."
~Lazarus Long



"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great
ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
~Winston Churchill



"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
~Thomas Edison



"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
~Rod Serling



"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
~Ashleigh Brilliant

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
~Wernher von Braun



"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
~Albert Einstein



"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society."
~Mark Twain



"If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple
to understand it."
~Pat Bahn



"Only a mediocre man is always at his best."
~W. Somerset Maugham


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      ( 7:19 PM ) sisoflexx
A couple of days I screwed up my link to Shakespears Monkey , so I had to re-add it to the right.
( I have to add it month by month because his page ( Link ) is weird. ;o)---)
I found this link on his page, really funny. I hate Blockbuster, so it's even more amusing- Dumb Warnings
I emailed Blockbuster regarding the rewinding of DVDs, they told me that "Most DVD players have a "Rewind" button on it, what it does is spins the DVD the opposite direction from the direction the DVD spins during the play mode, so by spinning the DVD the opposite direction rewinds the DVD, it's similar to the rewind feature on a VCR."
I emailed them and told them they were wrong, Blockbuster emailed me and a person told me via email "Sir, you are very wrong, please don't contradict what we say, we know more than what you do with DVDs and DVD players. Please don't email us regarding this topic again." They were very rude with the second response.
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      ( 4:34 PM ) sisoflexx

Monday Mission 2.25

via PromoGuy.net
1. Do you wear glasses/contact lenses? If so would you consider going through Lasik surgery? (Or if you already have, please tell us about it)
Yes, both. I would love to have the Lasik surgery, I just don't have the money. I stopped wearing my lenses 6 months ago, because my work enviroment is so-ooo filthy, I'm in pain 2 hours after getting to work.
2. Did you ever have to wear braces? How are your teeth? (any cavities, any pulled teeth, root canals, etc.)
Uh, do I have to answer this one ? I had a retainer, which I lost as a teenager. ( Among other things, he he.)
Cavities, yes, root canal, one. Gold crown, one. I keep my rot hole closed .
3. What (if any) recent movies have moved you emotionally? Which one and how so?
Don't laugh. One movie is " Deep Impact ", when the older-than 60 folk can't go in protective caves, or considered for the lottery. Just the thought of losing a parent upset me, I guess.
Hubby Jay came in the room one day, while my son and I were watching, " Of Mice And Men", with Gary Sinese and John Malcovich. We were BAWLING . If you've read the book, or see the movie, you know what I'm talking about ! Call Of THe Wild made me cry as a youngster.
4. I visited my dear Mema in the managed care facility Sunday and while she is doing well, I was sad for her. Living out your final days/years someplace like that seems so lonely to me. Would you rather live the remainder of your golden years in a rest home, or pass away before it came to that?
Hard question, and choice. I don't care where I live, as long as I'm lucid and I'd like to be able to get around and do things for myself. I wouldn't want to live out the remainder of my life uncomprehending.
5. Sometimes, but not nearly often enough, I will just stop and marvel at the amazing planet on which we live. The eco-system, life and death, nature, the perfect balance that keeps us alive, the universe, it can all be mind-boggling if you let your mind get carried away. What natural creation or phenomenon just flat-out leaves you with a sense of wonder?
All of it. Humans most of all boggle the mind.
6. Have you ever been in a fist fight or a situation where you had to get physically violent with someone else? How did that come about? Any consequences?
Er- yeah. Lots of fights with bullies in Brit school.
Some pushing .
I knocked out my brother once. :o( Sorry, Lex !
Bloody nose for ex.
7. Many times I look back in hindsight and think of how I should have handled a situation. Are there any recent happenings that you wish you would have handled differently? What happened and what do you wish you'd done?
Nothing really recent, but I lost a very long year of friendship because of not talking things out.
If people would only converse, you may find out what's going on. I didn't know the whole story, and things could have ended alot different !
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      ( 3:59 PM ) sisoflexx
Funny post on
The Dax Files.
The big item in which I firmly stated, “NEVER, EVER would I buy those…” Tampons. Well, I got married and being the dutiful husband…
Speaking of purchasing feminine hygiene products, sure I was uncomfortable the first few times in the checkout line. However, the night I was feeling like a big dumb jerk with a box of Tampax in the checkout line of Winn-Dixie, I saw the guy next to me with a six-pack in one hand and a frozen pizza and a Playboy magazine in the other, put things in a whole different light. At least I have someone to go home to; although neither of us was gonna “get any.” (How’s that for a run-on sentence?)

One person I knew who was totally anal about tampons was the ex. I asked him to bring me some from home, as I was at my part time job at the bowling alley. He showed up an hour later with a big sports-duffel bag and set it down on a counter, and proceded to chat with some one.
" Where's my oil plugs ? " I ask.
" In the bag". he says.
I think, did he bring 5 boxes ? I open the bag, and there's a crumpled grocery bag in there. Nothing else.
I open that bag up, and inside is another grocery bag. And finally ! Two tampons in that one !
Now I ask you, what the hell is up with that ?!
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Jun 22, 2002
      ( 10:32 PM ) sisoflexx
I'm thinking of going to a host, where I can have my own " domain " name.
We'll see.
I think I should wait until we move, for " financial purposes ".
In a few weeks, I may go for it.

Then again, I don't seem to generate enough interest with my " blog ", I was thinking today that I should maybe have a private journal, for myself, since the less " comments " or " hits " I generate, silly enough, I feel like it might as well be private.
I know, just going through a oh-don't-I-feel-sorry-for-myself period.

But I think I'll just treat it as a semi private journal, yet be pleasantly surprised when I do get feedback.

Jeez ! Sorry to sound so low. I'm not.

Really !

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      ( 10:14 PM ) sisoflexx
Through acidman, I found a link to : Lynn, and through her, I found a link to some really cool photos, even Tom would be happy about, since he's the 'tography nut.
I thought they were very good ! Here they are : The Photos.

That's four links in one paragraph. A record ! ( for me, anyways ! )

Am I a ho'link ? Uh-oh !
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      ( 7:06 PM ) sisoflexx
The Brunching Shuttlecocks had another testes, ( no, I didn't mis-spell that one ! ) But, I didn't take it. I find this lipsyncer to be below even a silly quiz !
But, if you want to go for it- here you go !
Britney Spears: Fact or Fiction?
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      ( 7:03 PM ) sisoflexx
I took a test on The Brunching Shuttlecocks | to see if I was Smarter Than Miss America

I was, but barely. I got 6 out of 8 right. Pathetic !
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      ( 12:12 PM ) sisoflexx
What the ...
Who is looking up this crap ?

Yahoo! Search Results for free mom-in-law fuck stories sisoflexx
... Free Winona ! ... Her mom-in-law told her, " Yana, catch that one ! ... ...One of my favorite
stories is sitting in class, listenening to ... May 03, 2002. well fuck me. ...
http://sisoflexx.blogspot.com/
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      ( 12:10 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny Submitted by my buddy Ameena

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
" HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. "

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; "FIX THE LIGHT,
NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO
PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS, " WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE
FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. "

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, " FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES
IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO. "

" FINE," SHE SAYS, " THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE
STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK. "

" I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO
FIX STEPS," HE SAYS.
" DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO. "

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE
OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND
DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE
STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT
IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
" HONEY," HE ASKS, " HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? "

SHE SAID," WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD
HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I
HAD TO DO WAS
EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, " SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM? "

SHE REPLIED, " HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY
CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! "

Of course, this neglects to mention that the woman could do all that crap herself !
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Jun 21, 2002
      ( 4:35 PM ) sisoflexx

Sept 10 'zero hour' calls intercepted
More conspiracy theory...
A United States spy agency intercepted two messages from al-Qa'eda operatives in Afghanistan on Sept 10, warning supporters to brace themselves for a major event the following day, but did not translate them until too late.

The leaking of the messages yesterday brought angry exchanges between Congress and the White House, which said national security was being endangered.

According to leaks from a Congressional probe into September 11, the top secret National Security Agency (NSA) intercepted the two telephone calls from numbers deemed to be "high priority", meaning they were to be translated within two days.

When the messages were finally translated, they said: "Tomorrow is zero hour", and "The match begins tomorrow".

A tradgedy occured, that's a fact.
History is full of tradgedy occuring , even when it could have been averted.
Rulers and governments have bungled for eons.
And thousands, millions of deaths have occured because of it.
I think that people are in disbelief now, because in this day and age, we think we're immune to it.
It isn't until a catastrophe occurs that people realize we need to insure against a likelyhood of it happening again.
Some good examples : The Titanic and The Challenger.
The Titanic, because she was an innovation, a wonder. She actually carried more than the required amount of lifeboats by regulation, just not enough for 2,000 + persons.
The Challenger was the first space shuttle to go up without emergency exits. There seemed to be no need for them anymore, things were going so well. The crew had a minute or more , knowing there was a big problem, and maybe would have had time to jettison from the craft, but they had no options.
There is a point, to my comparisons here, hold on.
It isn't until something bad happenes that people try to make sure it doesn't happen again.
We start safeguarding against future catastrophes.. This is what has happened after Sept. 11th.
It's a major shame 3,000 + people died before we would start to safeguard against something like this ever happening again.

Watch your backs, people !
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      ( 4:33 PM ) sisoflexx
The Queen overtakes Edward III

The Queen today becomes the fourth longest-reigning monarch in 1,000 years of English history.

Only three ancestors have enjoyed longer on the throne, Queen Victoria, George III and Henry III. Elizabeth II, who acceded on Feb 6, 1952, today overtakes Edward III, who was proclaimed King on Jan 25, 1327 and died on June 21, 1377, reigning for 50 years and 148 days.

You go, girl !
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      ( 4:21 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always
complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd .
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement.
But when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why
he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nodmy head in agreement."
" And what about the men?" the minister asked.
" They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Jun 20, 2002
      ( 6:46 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny

This is another for acidman , in honor of his " strange objects found in strange places " entry.
Ha ! I said " entry ".

So, Liberace goes to the Doctor for his physical. After the exam the Doctor comes in and says,

"You've got six weeks to live."

Liberace asks, "How do you know this?"

The Doctor tells him, "During the exam a hamster crawled out of your ass, saw his shadow, and went back in."

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      ( 6:26 PM ) sisoflexx
We took Judi and Charles to see the house today. Russell ( seller )showed us around, again . He seems to enjoy the company. He's a real sweet guy.
Judi really loves the place, Charles seemed to like it too.
Russell gave me a jar of fig preserves he made, I'll let you know how they taste.
Charles asked me when would we know when everything has gone through. I told him we didn't, that we had to wait for the VA appraisal. There's only two guys in Jawja who do them, and you can't know what's on their schedule, so you just have to wait and see. I've also been told by a couple of people that there is one " nice " VA
guy, and one " hard " VA guy. ( No, I don't mean his state of arousal ! ) Just he's more picky.
Our realtor has worked with the " hard " one before, and she said she had no problem with him.
While we were outside, a car pulled up in the driveway. Russell went over to greet him, and as they walked towards us, I heard the visitor telling him he was here to do the appraisal !

He joined us a few minutes later, and we were introduced. He turned to Jay and said, " Are you the veteran ? "
He hung his head in embarrassment when we corrected him. " No, that's me " I said, laughing.
He said he 's always making wrong assumptions. ( Hope he doesn't do that with the house, hee hee ! )
He told us he was a veteran, drafted during the Vietnam War, and he wasn't too happy about that part .
Jay said, " That sounds like my Dad ! "
He went off and did his thing, and as we were leaving, we said goodbye to him.
As I shook his hand, he told me, " Thanks for serving your country. " I told him , " Thank you, too ."
Jay said he seemed so serious when he said that, and I told him, " So he should ! It is serious."
Then as we were driving away, I said, " Are you the veteran ? Hell no, he isn't ! He can't even hold down a steady job ! He's been a temp for the past eight years ! " ( That's not true, by the way, but wouldn't it be funny if I said that ?)

Isn't it weird how the VA guy shows up, right when we're there ?
And I don't even know if he's the nice or hard one ! Ha!
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Jun 19, 2002
      ( 5:51 PM ) sisoflexx
Alph has some issues about abortion, go have a look see !
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      ( 5:19 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny

A San Diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seatbelt,he had just won $ 5,000 in a safety competition.
" What are you going to do with the money ?" the officer asked.
" I guess I'll go to driving school, and get my license, " the man answered.
" Don't listen to him, " said the woman in the passenger seat. " he's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the backseat, who saw the cop and said, " I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked in Spanish, " Are we over the border yet ?"
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      ( 5:17 PM ) sisoflexx
Jay's busy cleaning all the papers off the coffee table while I pack in the kitchen.
I needed to throw something away, so I walk over to the trash can, and find it's not there.
I look around, and see it next to Jay in the living room.
" Get that filthy dripping f**king can out of the living room !"
I shout.
" Ha ha ha !" Jay chortles.
" That thing is covered with salmonella and grease", I say, following him into the kitchen, " and it's on my mother's rug ! "
" No, it's your rug. Okay, okay ! What should I use in the living room ? " He asks.
" A trashbag. Gawd !"
He walks over to the filthy tuberculosis barrel, pulls the trashbag out, then starts walking towards the living room.
" No-oo! What are you doing ? A new bag ! That things' been in the wet trashcan ! " I wail.
" Ha ha ha !" He chortles." Okay, jeez!"

A few minutes later...
" Hey ! these Cadbury's Choclate Fingers are stale !" exclaimed Jay, with a sour look on his face.
" Where did you find them ? Not under the coffee table, I hope !" I say.
" Yeah."
" What posessed you to try to eat something that's been hidden for an undetermined amount of time ?!"
I ask.
" How else are you going to find out if they're good ?"
" They're open , Jay, that should be a warning." I retort
" Ha ha ha ! " he chortles.

He chortles a hell of alot, did you notice ?
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Jun 18, 2002
      ( 6:11 PM ) sisoflexx
Rachel wasn't too happy about the pic I posted of her in one of my albums.
She's very vain, so I found her " Pretty Pretty Princess " pic and posted it !
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      ( 6:00 PM ) sisoflexx
Know this :
When I hit publish, it doesn't publish.
I know this happens to others, but why me ?
I have enough to worry about.
I'm special .
Oh well, if it looks like I'm a few days behind, that's why.
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      ( 5:34 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny

Top10 Ways to know if you are using a Redneck's Computer...

10. The monitor is up on little blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.
5. Every password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.
3. There's a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflage.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter."
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Jun 17, 2002
      ( 9:45 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny :

On an airline flight, Bill Clinton was seated next to an elderly
priest.... A minor technical problem at the gate delayed the flight,
and the captain announced that the airline would be offering a free
round of drinks as an apology.

When the charming and attractive flight attendant came by, Clinton
ordered a double scotch. He leaned back with his drink as the
attendant asked the priest if he would like a drink. "Oh, no thank
you," replied the priest. "I would rather commit adultery than drink
alcohol."

Choking on his swallow of scotch, Clinton quickly put his drink back
on the beverage cart. "Excuse me, miss, I didn't know I had a choice."
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      ( 9:31 PM ) sisoflexx
I told Diana I would put up another

" Crackin' Classic "

copyright Heather Taylor 2002


even though no-one seems to like them enough to comment on them, or read them for that matter.
Come on ! Why am I putting all this humiliating, demeaning crap in here ?
You think I like doing this ?
I'll try one more time, see if it sparks interest for forthcoming " Crackin' Classics "

Have you ever had a stomach virus/bacteria or mild food poisoning, where you actually have to exert extreme effort to hold your crap in ?
It has happened to me once.

I could never understand the anti-diaherrea comercials, with actors running around with clenched buttocks, looking embarrassed, I had never had it that bad.

It was 92-93, and I had the pleasure of spending a day doing just what I aforementioned. ( Whut I jus' tol'. )
The day after, I felt alot better, I had little fear of farting and spraying the back of my drawers like a skunk.
I made plans to go visit with my - then - boyfriend, Dale, taking Morgan with me . I made sure, before I left on the half-hour drive, that I wouldn't have any " accidents ". Went to the bathroom, all clear.

Green, GO.

I drove over, no problem, I spent a lovely few hours in the company with Dale, no problem. I readied myself for the drive home by doing the extra bathroom check up, no problem.

I got Morgan in his carseat, buckled myself in, and headed do-o-oown the Annandale high--wa-aay!

I felt a sharp, warm clenching in my nether regions, and no, it wasn't orgasmic.
NO WAY ! I couldn't believe it !
I had just left his damn house ! There was a space of five minutes between his house, and the nearest fast food restaurant . I was halfway in between ! And I had to go NOW !

I didn't have enough time to turn around, go back to Dale's, and break my way in, and the McDonald's was too far , as well.

What could I do ?

I even contemplated the reality of crapping my pants, and still having the half-hour drive ahead of me, with poor Morgan suffocating in the back. Or jumping into one of the beautiful hedgerows situated along the road, and risking getting shot by one of the home owners.

I spotted a huge office building, completely dark. Salvation ! It was a medical building, specializing in personal " Medic Alert " help for the elderly and handicapped. In fact, there was an ambulance parked in the lot, and I pulled in, next to it, hoping it would sheild me somewhat from the passers-by on the road from my dirty deed.

I stopped the car, turned off the lights, grabbed a napkin, jumped out, and glanced around.
No one. Thank Gawd !

" Mommy, what are you doing ? Why are we stopping ?" Morgan demanded.
" Nothing, don't worry, just a minute, okay ? I gasp, doubled over, fumbling for the closings on my pants.
I sqatted next to the ambulance, and a thankful, satisfied grunt left my lips, as a warm stream of liquified feces issued forth from betwixt my cheeks, spraying the pavement behind me.

You don't know how relieved I was that I didn't crap my pants, and had I found a secluded place, so I wouldn't humiliate myself. All my worst fears were blissfully dissapating from my mind, as I gave my ass a swipe with the napkin, and stood up, yanking up my pants.

I took a quick, furtive glance, just to make sure I was still alone, and glanced up at the building.

Mounted to the corner of the roof, pointed right at the ambulance, was a large surveillance

CAMERA

.
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      ( 5:00 PM ) sisoflexx
- - - > PromoGuy.net Presents: Monday Mission 2.24
1. What does Father's Day mean to you personally?
Nothing, really. Like all " Imposed Hoildays ", I see them as a way for Hallmark to stiff the population out of a few more bucks.
2. Was there a Father, or a Father Figure in your life as you grew up?
Yes, and there still is. I didn't get along with him when I was growing up. As an adult, we get along really well. It just turns out he isn't a kid person!
3. a) If you are a parent, is the father of your child(ren) involved on a daily basis? Is that even important?
No, not the " natural " father , but he's "un-natural", so that's the best thing that could happen to my boy.
Morgan's stepfather is more of a father than him
or if you do not have children
b) Would you like to become a parent? Would you be good at raising your own children?
4. With Rosie, Callista, Jodie and Camryn all raising children without Fathers, Hollywood seems to be sending a message that children do not need male role models. Do you agree? Are these "stars" sending a good message to the young adults who admire them?
They have the money to hire the best nannies around. Maybe the question should be whether the nannies will make good parents. Hee hee !
Seriously, I don't think it matters if it's a single dad, mom, grandparent, aunt, or adoptive parent. As long as a child is brought up well, with love and caring, and a stout cane, any person is good enough for the job.
These kids would spend their lives in institutions, foster homes, travelling from home to home, not that they are all bad situations, but nevertheless, I don't see how growing up in a millionaire's home could be a bad experience. Unless you count Marlon Brando, Joan Crawford, Bill Clinton, etc...
5. Do you think the absence of a loving, caring father in the life of a child could have any influence on their sexual preferences when the child grows up?
Nah. I'm not gay, I had a father in my life. My best friend didn't have a father in her life, she's straight. I think you're gay because you are what you are, nothing more.
6. Was there ever a time when your father became "uncool." Or maybe embarrassed you?
No.
7. Are you ever too old to kiss your Dad?
Don't ask, don't tell.
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Jun 16, 2002
      ( 9:36 PM ) sisoflexx

Happy
Father's
Day, Dad!

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      ( 8:49 PM ) sisoflexx
I'm not Corrupt!

Your points: 17
0-3: A life with the church is too corrupt for you!.
4-7: You barely make our scale.
8-11: Aproaching normal, but you aren't much fun on a date!
12-18: Normal... well, what exactly is normal?
19-21: You've got a few tricks under your belt
22-24: You're enjoying life to the max!
25-27: You're a danger to society.
28-30: You're going straight to hell!
See what you are !
The Corruption Test
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      ( 4:54 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's funny

Redneck I.Q. Test...
1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe aHeart Attack.
True or False

5. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the
Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve."
True or False
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      ( 4:48 PM ) sisoflexx



Italy's worst driver set out to bump into women



An unemployed Italian from Turin has been charged with fraud, harassment and damage to property after allegedly orchestrating at least 500 car crashes in a doomed effort to meet young women.

The driving record of Andrea Cabiale, who was arrested in March, has astonished and even amused many of his neighbours. For the hundreds of women unlucky enough to meet him on the road, however, an encounter with Mr Cabiale was a distressing and costly experience.

A minor bump, always apparently the woman's fault, was usually followed by an informal cash settlement and months of telephone calls and rejected invitations to dinner. When a number of victims complained to police of harassment, the scale of Mr Cabiale's hazardous dating game was quickly exposed.

Police searching his apartment found 2,159 photographs of damaged vehicles and their female owners, all taken by Mr Cabiale immediately following his accidents. An enormous address book was also found, containing hundreds of names and telephone numbers, all belonging to women aged between 20 and 40. In one of Mr Cabiale's cars, investigators found a mechanism that temporarily disabled the vehicle's brake lights.

Taking stalking to a new level.
Hey, he's hitting on them, right ?

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      ( 4:15 PM ) sisoflexx
Check out this great joke
at Mad World. Also see what he charges for customer support. Too funny !
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Jun 15, 2002
      ( 4:43 PM ) sisoflexx
As I was going through pics to scan, I found one of Braylen and Lex . Also another pic of my mangled wreck.They're there with the pic of my mangled leg . Go check 'em out!
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      ( 11:52 AM ) sisoflexx
Diana's Favorite Story

Last night was too late to write this out.
I was picked with three other people to design a huge Christmas card for the lawn of the church on base.
I had painted a small pic of four children's faces, of different creeds/colors with the saying , " God Bless Us, Everyone" underneath the faces.
My picture was chosen, and our job was to paint it on a couple of pieces of plyboard, 5 ft. high, hinged together to resemble a giant card.
The wood was at one gal's house, so I met her at her work so I could follow her to her house.

She pulled into her driveway, and I pulled up to the curb and parked my car.
By the time I had gotten out of the car, she had opened the garage door, where I could see the giant card inside. She let her dog out, who was in the garage.
As I walked up to the driveway, the little white dog was coming down to greet me, tongue lolling, tail wagging .
I put my hand out, so he could sniff it, and said " Hey there, little fella."

He snapped at my hand, and as I pulled it back, I said, " Fuck that ! "

The little fucker then jumped up and latched his jaws around my lower left thigh, just above the knee.
The pain was incredible. I started yelling for this girl to get her dog off of me. She ran down the driveway, then stood there doing the little hop from one foot to the other dance, going " Oh no ! Stop, Fluffy ! Fluffy !"
I lifted my leg up, and the dog wasn't even touching the ground ! It's tail was barely brushing the road !
He finally let go, and the stupid wench finally grabbed ' poor ' Fully and took him in the house.
I followed behind her, limping. I didn't even look at my leg. All I could imagine it looking like raw hamburger, that's how much it hurt. I had already given birth to a child at this time in my life, and I can honestly say, that dog bite was the worst pain I'd ever felt. Truly.

As I entered the house, she walked towards me saying, " I don't know what came over him. He's never done tha..." I cut her off. " Where's your bathroom !?" I followed her directions, closed the door, then undid the buttons on my pants. With tears streaming down my face, I gingerly pulled the pants down with trembling fingers. As I pulled them down past my Knees, I got the courage to look at my thigh.
It was better than I thought, not raw hamburger, but still nasty. The only skin broken was where the teeth scraped some of the skin to the side. The skin was puffy and an angry red and purple hue.
I thought to myself, if I hadn't been wearing the thick, heavy winter canvas-like material of my camoflage fatigues, and maybe wearing thin cotton pants, my leg would have resembled road kill, I'm sure.

Silly wench drove me to the hospital, after she had gotten proof of the dog's shots.
So another highlight of my day was not getting a rabies shot in the stomach.
On the way she explained they had Fluffy since he was a puppy, and had two small children who played with him all the time, and he hasn't so much as ever growled at them.
I let her know that I understood the dog and I weren't formally introduced, and he just saw me as a threat.

The MP's went to her house and picked up Fluffy later in the day. They kept him impounded until they ascertained he wasn't rabid, and the doctor who wrapped my leg told me it was my decision whether or not I wanted to file charges, and have the dog put down.
Softhearted me said , " Kill the f**ker !" Burn it ! "
No I didn't, I told silly wench to watch for signs of that behavior in the future. And Fluffy went free, unpunished for his crimes against humanity.

That was seven years ago, and I still have no feeling in that area. Nerve damage, I guess.
Nice.
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      ( 11:51 AM ) sisoflexx
Off to spend the day and evening at The Oasis.
Of course, this is prime packing time, but since I don't want to do it anyways, I guess it doesn't matter! Heh.


Have a lovely weekend, while I'm getting burned !
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Jun 14, 2002
      ( 11:37 PM ) sisoflexx
In honor of Acidman

Golf Joke
Jesus, Moses and old bearded guy were playing golf.
On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazzard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad.
A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched up the frog and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, " I hate playing golf with your dad. "

Let me know if you've heard this one, Rob !
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      ( 8:50 PM ) sisoflexx
Funny thought for the day...
I brought up an interesting theory up at work today.
Our enviroment at work is so polluted, I joked that we have to be there five days a week, just to survive.
This is because our bodies are so adjusted to this cloudy atmosphere. If we were to not work there any more, our systems would fail, and we'd die a slow, agonizing death.
I pointed out that even cockroaches cannot survive in here. There are four dead ones just outside the door.
Lucky said " Yeah, they get in , and run out horrified. But they don't make it."
I said, " This species is rumored to be able to survive a nuclear holocaust, but they croak as soon as they touch our threshhold."
" When we move to another lab, we're going to have to duplicate the atmoshere, then pump it in to the new one " he replied.
Yana asked me how long Judy ( our ex-model tech ) would last without her atmosphere. I gave it two weeks, tops.

Now the skin on my feet is peeling off.
My hands have re-generated their flesh. They are a beautiful peridot hue.
Am I turning into Smurfette ?

Just kidding about the hand color. The rest is true, though.
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      ( 8:31 PM ) sisoflexx
Ahh, Memories !
Today, listening to the radio, I heard Van Halen. Actually, what people like to call the band is Van Hagar, since it was him I was listening to singing. I remembered that I had actually gone to see them in concert, in Maryland, about 7-8 years ago. And I also remembered there was a very story behind that, and I would have to write about it.

I had heard on the radio then, that Van Halen were coming to town, and I wanted to see them. I called my brother, and asked him if he'd like to go, and he replied in the affirmative. I called a married couple whom I was friends with, asked them , and they also replied positively. This was a few weeks before the concert, and I asked my Mum if she could order the tickets over the phone, as I didn't have credit, and she did, and I paid her for the four tickets.

The week leading up to the concert, I reached the trio to confirm our plans.
The married couple told me they couldn't afford it. I told them I had already paid for them. I said they could go, and just pay me back later. They replied in the negative, saying they didn't think they'd be able to pay me back, even later.
I called my brother, who told me he couldn't go, there was this really " sweet " par-tay he was planning to go to that night.

I was stuck with three extra tickets.

I went around work that week, trying to get rid of them. No-one wanted them.
A friend of mine, who was a medical dorm manager next door to the dental clinic told me he'd found two airmen who wanted to go. Only, they needed a ride. I told him that was fine, I'd give them a lift, it was on the way.
I still couldn't get rid of the forth ticket. Fine, I thought, I'll just have to play DeMone ( Fast Times At Ridgemont High ) in the parking lot, trying to scalp the bastarding thing.

I arranged to pick the two airmen up outside the chow hall at a certain time, and they were there when I pulled up. One of them was nearly seven feet tall, I didn't know how the hell he was even going to fit in my Tracker. He sat up front, and the other guy was in back.
We had a good half hour drive, so we chatted amicably, introducing ourselves, during the first few minutes of the drive. I asked them where in the hospital did they work?
The Hulk : " Oh, we don't work in the hospital ."
Wee Me : " Hmm. Brian ( dorm manager ) told me you were in the hospital dorm. I thought that was for hospital personnel."
Nervous Twitchy Guy In Back Seat : " Naw, we're patients ! "
Wee Me : " Patients?"
The Hulk : " Yeah, we're psych patients."
Wee Me : " Psych patients ? "
Nervous Twitchy Guy In Back Seat : " Uh-huh. We're being discharged from the military for psychological
reasons. They let us stay in the dorm, and work out our last weeks cleaning, helping Brian with running the
dorm. "
Wee Me : " May I ask what happened to the two of you ?"
The Hulk : " Sure, no biggie. I can't drink alcohol, or else I see red. Everything's in red. I get angry and violent. But I don't drink anymore. I have med's. They diagnosed me with ******* ." ( I can't even begin to remember what the hell he said it was. I was still grasping the " seeing red " disclosure. )
I just stared ahead at the road.
Nervous Twitchy Guy In Back Seat : " Mine was worse than his. My wife left me because I was abusive. I have to take meds to keep me calm. I beat the hell out of my supervisor. I'm alot better now, though. Maybe now I can get my wife to come back."
My knuckles were now turning white, I was gripping the steering wheel so hard.
The Hulk : " Not totally red, more like shades of red. You know, when something's a darker shade of red, instead of regular red ? "

I turned my head to look at him.

Even with the seat pushed fully back, this behemoth's knees were practically touching his upper chest. The Tracker was small, but this just served to make this guy look even bigger
As I was looking at him, I burst out laughing.
Not nervous tittering, but full, blown out laughing. Tears in eyes, the works.
His face registered surprise, and I quickly reassured him. " Sorry, guys, but I couldn't help thinking how hilarious this situation is. "
Nothing.
" Think about it, " I continued. "see it from my point of view. Here I thought I was picking up a couple of dorm guys, I find out you're actually not, you're psych patients, I'm here, by myself, driving you down a dark highway, and one of you is the size of an elk. In light of what you've both just shared with me, think of how I'm supposed to take this news, and tell me that's not funny."
They laughed. Thank gawd.

And thank gawd I got rid of the other ticket in the parking lot. Less than I had bought it for, but I was thankful I didn't get stiffed with three extra. But then again, I still had the journey home to look forward to.
We enjoyed the rest of the evening, I sat near The Hulk on the lawn to make sure he didn't go buy any " see red " $ 4.50 beer, and the little Nervous Twitchy Guy was nearby, dancing like mad. I asked The Hulk if the little guy had taken his meds tonight, and he replied yes.

Got home, no prob.
Now tell me. Is that not f**king funny ?
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      ( 8:24 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny

Super Bowl Tradgedy

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row
in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field
right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the
stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him,
"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat?
A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"
_____________________________________________
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Jun 13, 2002
      ( 9:30 PM ) sisoflexx
OO-OOhhhhh! Gho-oo-oosts-s-s!

I forgot I mentioned in the "scorpion story " that I would tell you about the " more disturbing " ghosts.
Are your lights on ? Okay. Well, here we go...

One incident was at my old homestead, in Alexandria, Virginia. I lived with my Mum after my divorce, with my son Morgie. We moved there when he was one and a half years old. When he was about two, I remember driving home from work, setting him in a corner to play with his blocks. I walked over to the diaper bag, to take out all the old bottles, dirty clothes and what-not, to get it ready for the next day. Never mind about the smell of an old bottle ! Pheweey!
I bent over at the waist, ( Yeah, I know, you're supposed to bend at the knees ) and as I reached into the bag, someone grabbed my ass. I quickly stood up, clapping my hand over my cheek, yelling , " Morgan ! " And turned around.
Morgan is on the far side of the room, playing happily with his blocks.
I put my most fearsome scowl on my face, looked around, and said, " Cut it the f**k out."
I know, I was probably talking to myself, but I wasn't taking any chances that my silence would be consrued as compliance. " Ohh, she LIKES IT. Let's do it again, tonight, while she's in a deep sleep. Heh heh."
I told someone at work the next day, and they told me it was a ' muscle spasm '.
First, I don't have muscles, definetly NOT in my ass. It's not firm like Alphs'.
Second, I have not before, or after, ever had that happen. Hell, I can't even be goosed by a person. Maybe my mind was so distraught that I wasn't being as sexually harassed as my co-workers, it made up being hit-on. Who knows ? Do you ? I don't know.
Okay, not " disturbing " enough ? We'll move on...

I moved to Georgia, to the house I'm at now. When I used to work at HELL, I had half-day Fridays. That was sweet . But I digress. Sometimes on those Fridays, with the house to myself, all quiet, I would go upstairs to take a nap. AAaahhhh !
I usually sleep on my right side, facing towards the edge of the bed, facing the wall. I was just drowsing off, when I felt something jump up onto the end of the bed.
We sleep in a waterbed, and believe me, you, ah, feel, ah, everything ? in them.
I have a cat, and I'm used to her jumping up there. This " jumper " was heavier than my cat. It made the bed " wave " noticably. Not like a person, it was something small, but just heavier than my cat.
As I'm still coming out of sleep, this thing starts padding up behind me, moving the bed slightly. It walks up the length of the bed, and I'm frozen. It reaches the back of my head, and all of a sudden, I felt something nuzzling at my neck. I heard a kind of growling, but it was playful. " R-rr-rr ! "
I was in that frozen sleep-state, and after a few seconds, finally got out, " Stop !"
It immediately stopped, and I could move, so I rolled out of bed and looked at it. Nothing of course, but freaking weird, let me tell you !
As I thought about it, I felt like it was more like a pet playing around.
The next time I saw Jay's mom, Judi, I asked her if she gave Jay the waterbed. ( Heck, we got everything else from her and Charles.. You know, now that I think about it, all of my furniture is second hand, except for a few shelves my Mum bought for Morgan. Wow, I hadn't thought about that. Huh.)
Anyhoo, she said, yes, she'd had that waterbed before. ( Eww- we're sleeping in Jay's mom's bed. Eww ! I hadn't thought about that either ! )
I asked her if any of her dogs, as puppies, had ever done to her what I had experienced earlier in the week.
She looked surprised, and said, " Yes. Hannah used to do that to me when she was a puppy all the time."
I told her, " Well, now I'm getting all the love."
Maybe it's that " imprint " of past images ?
Now, is that not freakin' creepy ?

Even creepier :
The last time I took a nap upstairs in our bed was a few years ago. Up until this weekend, to be exact, when Jay and I came back from signing the agreement on Sunday. I actually went up and napped.
It happened on another Friday, where I crawled into bed, had the quilt pulled up in a bunch near my head to make it darker.I awoke, groggily, to the sound of someone coming over to the other side of the bed, pulling the covers back, and climbing in.
I thought, " Oh, Jay came home for lunch. If he thinks he's going to get a ' nooner ', he's got another thing coming. "
The bed did the "wave " thing, which, when Jay gets in, I try to ride the crest and hold on to the side-board, or else I'm apt to be tsunami-ed off the other side.
Back to the story- he gets in the bed. Then it's quiet. I sleepily ask, " Jay ? "
He says, " I LOVE you."
I say, " JAY ?"
He says, " I LOVE you."
I think, that doesn't sound like Jay, and if it is, he's fuckin' creeping me out.
I say , " Jay ?"
Again with the metallic, grating, " I LOVE you."
Remember, I have this quilt up in my face, and I couldn't see the other side of the bed. Lame ? True.
I do the oldest test, tried and true, and reached over to rub Jay's bald head, just to make sure.
My fingers encounter the fullest, lushest, curly head of hair to grace my sleeping quarters.
" I LOVE you."
I start yelling, floundering in all these christing covers, yank myself over the bed-board, onto the floor. Bed's empty, of course.
My mind must really hate me. That was just way too real. I think the bald head test was for extra-added effect, myself. Stupid head. ( Mine, not Jay's .)

Needless to say, I didn't nap upstairs again. I tried the couch, but I had the worst experience there, and now I don't nap anymore, unless I doze off on the recliner after dinner. And I have never napped alone in the house since. Stupid head.

Sleep good tonight ! ;o)
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      ( 6:35 PM ) sisoflexx
I'm a

NINE


What are YOU ?


take free enneagram test

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      ( 6:04 PM ) sisoflexx
Go check out Acidman's prostate.

"I had no idea what was actually involved in a prostate biopsy, but I knew it couldn't be good. First of all, I was told to take an enema two hours before I arrived at the doctor's office. A week before I was supposed to go, I bought a two-pack of Fleet, getting an emergency backup dose just in case I screwed up up the first one. I thought that was a distinct possibility, considering the fact that I had not experienced an enema since I was a little boy and my mama was in charge of that one. I didn't want to buy just one, mess it up, and go back to the store to buy ANOTHER one and have the clerk suggest that if I take enemas as frequently as I OBVIOUSLY DO, perhaps I should consider buying a bulk container with a built-in drum pump.


I read the instructions a dozen times and even did a couple of "dry runs," assuming the suggested position and making sure my arms were long enough to bring all the necessary equipment into range with the necessary orifice. After a few of those, I thought my technique was as good as the cartoon figure they showed on the instructions. Practice makes perfect.


On the appointed day, I assumed the position on the bathroom rug, manuvered the Fleet bottle into position and achieved a complete docking on the first try. I squeezed the bottle. Then I extracted the bottle and examined the contents. Barely a third was gone. I repeated the docking procedure and squeezed again. Then squeezed a second time before extraction to make sure I wouldn't have to do it again. Success! "

I'm assuming he wanted me to laugh at this funny story.
Because I did. Hard.


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      ( 5:41 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Jun 12, 2002
      ( 6:24 PM ) sisoflexx
Does he know me, or what ?

"Just a note, I generally HATE the word “blog.” I consider “blog” to be a soccer mom term for people who don’t know shit, and have boring websites where they only ever talk about WHAT THEY DID ALL DAY, which I don’t care!! "

What a guy !
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      ( 6:17 PM ) sisoflexx
Good News !
My Mum has a job ! Yaay ! Congratulations!
You know, that lazy skiff has sat on her arse for six months ?
Just kidding. Jobs in England are hard enough to come by, but even harder for 55 year old women.
Most jobs she applied for told her she was over qualified. Teach her to jump from a secretary in a huge lobbying firm in DC, to a glen in Essex. ( Essex.) Heh.
She was happy to hear the good news on Jay's house, I told her all about it's attributes. All three of them.
Hopefully everything goes through well, as I don't want to have to describe five other houses months from now. ;o)

My Dad
Told me a hilarious story about monthly visits to the Dr., but told me not to put his private business in my blog, so I won't.
Just one word : lipator !!!
I had tears streaming down my face ! He is the funniest being alive. Truly, he is.
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      ( 6:16 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny
In honor of my Dad, the funniest guy ever...
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Simon says something incoherent.
7. Hide and go pee
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9. Musical recliners

OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friend compliments you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to
take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
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Jun 11, 2002
      ( 6:22 PM ) sisoflexx
Jay and I love
Bill Hick's.
This is just a few excerpts, but check out the site.
They have alot of material on " Google ", I recommend you download or buy it. Funny, funny ,dark man.
"You've all seen that Busch beer commercial, where the girl in the short hot-pants opens the beer bottle on her belt buckle, leaves it there, and it foams over her hand and over the bottle and the voice over goes, "Get yourself a BUSCH." Hmm. You know what that looks like, nah, no way. I'll tell you the commercial they'd like to do, if they could, and I guarantee you, if they could, they'd do this, right here. Here's the woman's face, beautiful. Camera pulls back, naked breast. Camera pulls back, she's totally naked. Legs apart. Two fingers, right here, and it just says, "Drink Coke." Now I don't know the connection here, but goddamn if Coke isn't on my shopping list that week."
And ...
" But where did this veneration of childbirth come from, I missed that meeting, I tell you that. "Oh, childbirth is such a miracle, it's such a miracle."
Wrong.
No more of a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. You know what a miracle is? A miracle is raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theatre, there's your goddamned miracle. If it were a miracle, then not every nine months any yin-yang in that world can drop a litter of these mewling fucking cabbages on the planet, and in case you have not checked the single mom statistics lately - the miracle is spreading like fucking wildfire.
Hallelujah!
Trailer parks, all over America, filling up with little miracles. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. "Look at all my little miracles." THUNK. THUNK. "Filling up my trailer like a sardine can." THUNK. THUNK. "You know what'd be a real miracle, if I could remember your daddy's name, goddamn it." THUNK. "I guess I'll have to call you Trucker Jr. That's all I remember about your daddy, was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me, shooting his caffeine-ridden semen into my belly, to produce my little water-head miracle baby-child." THUNK. "There's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Jr." THUNK. "There's your other brother, Exterminator Jr." THUNK. "There's your other brother, 'Will Work For Food Jr.'" Thank you very much, good night."
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      ( 5:39 PM ) sisoflexx
The weekly nekkid gal , just for Rob.
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      ( 5:34 PM ) sisoflexx
Too funny !
Donna couldn't figure out why her eyes were killing her:

So yesterday I put in all sparkling clean contacts and halfway into the day my eyes were starting to painfully bother me again. It finally dawned on me to check the mascara when I got home. And lo and behold it read "Lash-Extending" which I hadn't noticed before, and it also read, "In case of eye irritation, infection, scratches... yadda yadda yadda," as if they knew right off the bat that this mascara does this to your eyes! Yup, and then I remembered that these types of mascara have tons of tiny little fibers in them and I bet those crappy things were falling from my lashes right into my eyes! Jeez, who the heck approves this stuff as being ~safe~ for women?
She's got a point, there !
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      ( 5:14 PM ) sisoflexx
Check out Braylen's joke for today. Highly humorous. And it's recommended by me !
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      ( 5:05 PM ) sisoflexx
House Update

Well, things are finally moving along. The agreement is signed by both parties, and we had the inspection today. The seller is a really nice older man. He is very proud of his house, and any minute the inspector wasn't talking, the seller would be showing me photographs, and his collections of antiques. He was a woodwork shop teacher at a middle school and a high school. Just a sweet old feller.
He must of liked us, too, because he showed Morgan and Jay a piano, with a " piano Player " that sits over the keyboard. You swith it on, and choose a song, and this gadget has " fingers " that push down on the keys. Jay and Morgan were really impressed. I heard Jay saying loudly, " No way ! Oh, that's great ! "
( I was trying to listen to the inspector in the bathroom.)
Then Morgan came running in and said , " He said they come with the house !"
We all agree that was pretty sweet. Later, as we were leaving, Russell said the only reason he decided to leave the piano/player is we seemed like nice folk. Otherwise, he'd have taken it with him. Aww !
There are somethings that will need to be replaced or fixed, but nothing in dire need. Everything looked good, and we found out more about the house as we went along.
He was also showing me the flowers and plants, and the fig trees in the back, telling me how to can them. I told him he'd probably have to write me out some instructions. He said, " Ah- there's nothing to it. Just like any other fruit canning process. "
I just looked at him blankly. " Me ? No, really, I'd need alot of instructions." We both laughed.
When Jay and the inspector went behind this huge industrial-sized air conditioner/heat pump, they went " Eww!" Morgan, of course, had to investigate, and yells, " Mom ! There's a dead cat back here !"
Voodoo, I'm sure. Morgan tried to get me to look. I didn't.
When we were down in the basement, looking at the heat pump, Morgan told me to look out the window. Yeah, he got me. I saw kitty corpse. thanks, Morg.
After the inspection, I signed some papers for Kathy. Then Russell showed Jay and I how to work the wood-burning furnace he 's so proud of. He's an energy efficient guy. The furnace costs little to run in the winter. ( All 3 weeks of it, here in Jawja.)
Three and half more weeks ! :o O Oh, crap ! Pack ! Pack ! Pack !
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      ( 4:56 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied.
He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
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Jun 10, 2002
      ( 5:44 PM ) sisoflexx
- - - > PromoGuy.net Present PromoGuy.net presents Monday Mission 2.23
1. Do you have a side of the bed on which you prefer to sleep?
No. But I've never chosen it with a mate. They make their choice, and I get the wet spot.
Do you sleep on that side even when traveling or does it matter?
Usually we get the same spaces.
2. What is your favorite "Theme Park?" How come and when was the last time you were there?
I love Kings Dominion. We have Six Flags here, but I hate the standing in long lines, in the hot sun, that I don't even have interest in going. Jay is still trying to talk me into going. We last went on our honeymoon in Fla., doing the Orlando thing. 5 years ago.
3. What is your most and least favorite thing about staying in hotels?
Most : It's something we rarely do. It's like a camp out for adults.
Least : Stuffyand stinky at times. Expensive vending machines. The pool's always closed.
4. Did you ever take family vacations that required looooooong car rides?
Oh yes.
Were siblings involved ("Stop touching me! Don't cross this line!)?
Oh yes. With my brother. My mother did stop the car when she asked ," Do you want me to stop this car !?" Right in the road ! ( Needless to say, we shut up for the rest of the ride. We were terrified.)
Were the trips just unbearable or did you make up some "car ride games" to pass the time?
We had a few fun trips. I remember looking for the " Half Way " diner , so we knew the trip was half done.
5. With all the drilled peep-holes and spy-cams we hear about on the news, have you ever felt self-conscious about taking off your clothes in a hotel bathroom?
I feel self-conscious taking my clothes off in my own house. By myself. In the dark.
Has wondering if someone was on the other side of that mirror on the wall above the dresser made you think twice about "gettin' busy?"
I think twice anyway. ;o)
6. Describe the most romantic vacation you have ever taken or if that does not apply ;)
Romantic: Jay and I used to go to Savannah everyweekend, on a job for Charles, Jay's stepfather. That was fun for both of us. No more of that , though.
Tell me about the worst vacation you have ever taken.
Nah- my Mum had our interest's at heart. I don't ski, let's leave it at that.
7. (continued) After a full tummy and four days of sleep, I'd say I've never felt better. Since it is nearly noon, how about you come over and we'll hang out on the deck. I have a pool, hot tub and lotsa eats and drink. But feel free to bring whatever else you think we need! How should we spend this fine afternoon at the pool?
Our best part of summer is going to Jay's parent's house south of Atlanta, spend the weekend at the pool.
It's a beautiful oasis, and Judi and Charles treat us like royalty. There's food in the fridge, and drinks in the cooler.
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      ( 4:17 PM ) sisoflexx
House Update
Still waiting for " official " word from the other side. The seller needs to sign the agreement, then the mortgage crew can run with it. Yeah, right. I'm a pessimist, so I feel better thinking about everything that can go wrong, will. That way when things actually go half assed, I'm pleasantly suprised.
We'll see...
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      ( 4:11 PM ) sisoflexx
I've added a link to Alph to the right. I found I'm visiting daily , and since I'm soooo lazy, it's just easier. Very funny Blog called, " I'd Rather Be Famous".
Takes a gander at it.
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      ( 4:08 PM ) sisoflexx
Daily Funny
This sounds like Lex .
If he danced, that is.

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to
dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't
dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I
said you look fat in those pants."


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Jun 9, 2002
      ( 7:21 PM ) sisoflexx
House update
We filled out the forms to accept his last counter offer, but he needs to sign and send it back, then we'll officially be under contract. Jay and I drove by the house and the railings on the deck are already fixed. Good sign. We joked that if we drove by and saw the realtor out there showing the house we would start throwing rocks and calling her names. She's really shifty.

It Begins !
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      ( 12:27 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a
few moments and then replied "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
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Jun 8, 2002
      ( 9:31 PM ) sisoflexx
Here's Morgan's results of the Jedi Test.

Should I be worried ?


:: how jedi are you? ::
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      ( 9:22 PM ) sisoflexx
Excerpt from Gut Rumbles :

Acidman : I believe that Gen, The Fairest of the Fair has hit upon a brilliant thought:

Gen : "You read about all those terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hang around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: You're two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."

Acidman : I agree. Just don't think about putting them in charge of the Internal Revenue Service, too. I don't WANT that bureaucracy running like a well-oiled machine. Blockbuster is too proficient at collecting late fees on overdue videos. They would catch that bogus deduction I take every year for my son's non-existent twin brother.

I know what I'm going to write isn't even on the subject of immigrants. It just brought to mind how I hate Blockbuster. A few years ago we rented three movies. We returned all three movies on time. A few days later, we get a message that we still have " Lake Placid ", which we thought sucked, that's why I remember it. We call and tell them we returned it, with the other two. They tell us, " Sorry, not showing up ."
Another couple of days pass, and we get a message on our answering machine telling us thanks for returning the movie, we now owe them sixteen bucks.
We still owe them sixteen bucks. After a red letter in the mail, to which we typed out a long lengthy letter of response to, they haven't contacted us since. But we won't use them again. We now go to Hollywood Video, and even they did the " Where is our video ?" to which I called back and told them to damn well find it, since I had gone through this with Blockbusters, and if they pulled the same crap, we'd just be without renting from now on.

They found it. That's why we still go there.
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      ( 9:12 PM ) sisoflexx
This amusing anctedote will lead up to the subject, so be patient.
About 4 years ago I was up in the loft, sleeping, as I do every night. I used to have really weird dreams.
Realistic dreams.
You know the ones, where you fully wake up, and believe what you thought you saw ?
I would actually shake Jay, waking him up, so I could get a witness to my sanity. Needless to say, the jury took two minutes to deliberate (v. ) Jay started keeping a baseball next to the bed to protect himself.
Here are a few examples :

A panel in the wall leads to other rooms, I crawl through to parallel universes.
A troop of young boys in Cub Scout uniforms, lined against the wall, talking to me.
Two teenage girls, dressed in Victorian frocks, sitting on the dresser, holding saucers and drinking cups of tea. I sit up and look at them, and they turned to stare at me in return. They looked kinda miffed I interrupted their dicussion.
Writings on the comforter. I woke Jay up to point out the messages scrawled on the bed linens, to which he pointed out I was mad. Funny, I couldn't see them anymore. It might have been the baseball bat waving two inches from my nose. Who knows ? Do you know ? I don't know.
Two handy men ( heh heh ) were carrying on a conversation with me. As they were leaving, I asked them to please write a note, explaining to Jay that they were there, as proof. The men readily agreed, and as soon as they left, I woke up and shook Jay awake. " Hu--u-uh ? Wha-a ?" he says.
" Jay ! There were two guys here ! " I yell.
" Darlin' , it was just a dream. Go back to sleep." he says, reaching under the bed for the bat.
" No ! I even had them write out a note ! It's here on the bedside table ! " I say, looking for the paper.
( Of course, you could imagine the look on my face, when I realized I had been duped by those bastards. )

These are a few of the un-nerving episodes, I'll have to post the disturbing ones later.

I now come to the purpose of this diatribe :

I was fast asleep , and I shifted in my sleep, rolling over onto my back. I felt my hair going across my face. I lifted my hand , and swept it out of my face, and immediately something dropped onto my eye socket.
I kept my eyes closed, of course.
I gently reached up, and grasped the " object " with my fingers, and felt a squirmy thing, all legs, tickling my fingers.
I immediately threw it off the side of the bed, and in the same motion, I sat straight up. I shook Jay, and said, " Jay ! Jay ! Something landed on my face ! "
He didn't even move. " Darlin' , you're just dreaming aga...."
" No ! Something really did happen this time. " I say, reaching for the light switch.
He still doesn't believe me, but dutifully sits up, bat in hand.
I flick on the lamp, and scrutinize the floor . There it was, next to my slippers. A scorpion.
I told Jay what it was, and he got out of bed and got a container to put it in.
He apologized, and we went back to sleep.

When I first came down to visit Jay in Georgia, I found out he had hornet/wasp ( ? ) nests in his eaves. There were even a couple that were getting in the house. One of my stipulations before I moved down from Virginia was he needed to get rid of them, as I was deathly afraid of them. ( I was then, now I'm a bit more undramatic about the threat.) This is the conversation that took place after the move:
" I got rid of the hornets, darlin', I know you're scared of them, but what you really need to look out for is the scorpions ."
Me : " Scorpions !?!?"
Jay: " Yeah, just make sure you shake out your shoes in the morning."
Me: : " Scorpions !?!?"

One morning I got in the shower, dried off, then bleary-eyed, started lifting a leg to put in my pants. I had second thoughts, I don't know why, but I did a closer inspection and saw a dark smudge on the inside of the
zipper. I thought, " No way." and smacked the pants down in the kitchen What rolled out ? you guessed it.

Another good one was the day before the wedding. The house is full of friends and relatives, and I needed to get my overnight bag packed, as the wedding was at Jay's parent's house. I already knew what I would wear, but I had bought it a year before, and thought I should quickly try it on, just to make sure it still fit, even though it was a mu-mu ( moo-moo).
I went into the bathroom and took off my t-shirt. I pulled the dress over my head, adjusted it, looking in the mirror. Just about that time, I felt a sharp jab in my shoulder. " Ow ! "
I thought there may be a safety pin in there, so I gingerly pulled the neckline down to remove it.

No pins to be seen. I look in the mirror in realization and horror.

In one swift movement that would impress Diana, the dress was off. I threw it on the floor, and what rolls out ? You guessed it.

A year later I went to bed exhausted, and in the middle of the night I rolled over and felt the old familiar jab. ( No, it wasn't Jay. ) I was so tired, and even at that moment thought, " Oh, another scorpion." But I just rolled back the other way and kept on sleeping. I even forgot about it until the next day, when I wondered what the hell that pain in my hip was.

The only other casualty in the house was Morgan. He yelled out one night, right after putting him in bed. When we pulled back his sheets, there was his new friend, ' Scorpie '. That one we kept in a tupperware box for months, with leaves and dirt. When we first caught him, he was in a glass. There was a fly in the house, which I swatted and stunned. I put him in the glass and we watched the scorpion hunt him down. It was gory but facinating. Jay had to leave.
I thought the little guy would just suck the juicy bits out, but when we came back an hour or two later, ther was only a wing left.
We even bought him grasshoppers from the petstore. Then the novelty wore off and I flushed him down the toilet. Just kidding, he's the only one I let go free, dumping the box out in the woods. All the others I flush. This year there have been six. One on a map I was unfolding, while in the process of sitting down. Just as my ass made contact, I see the bastard curled up in Fulton county. Flush .
Three so far on the kitchen counter. One ran under the dishwasher, and I couldn't fish him out. Just macaroni's and a pea.
Two in the bathroom. One on the floor, one in the tub. Of course, I climbed into the tub with that one. They're very slow. They think that the less movement they make, you can't see them. And they stay there. I get a glass out of the cupboard, come back, and they're still there. I sweep them into the glass with a piece of paper, then flush 'em.

Sleep good tonight. ;o)
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      ( 9:00 PM ) sisoflexx
Latest on the house:
We found out today the seller stands firm on his last offer. So Jay and I talked it over and decided to bite the bullet and go ahead and agree to the terms.
Jay sez :" I just don't want you saying from now on that its your house, is all."
Me: " I wouldn't do that. "
Jay : " Good . I was afraid of that."
Me : " After we get your house, I don't want to hear anything else about your wants."

Anyhoo- we go to tomorrow to see Kathy and sign all the paperwork. Then we'll fork out $250 to find out all this shit is wrong with Jay's house, then start all over again. Just kidding. No I'm not. Yeah, I am.

Peace. Out.
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Jun 7, 2002
      ( 9:51 PM ) sisoflexx
Yes, I finally decided to give out some more completely humiliating information about me to the three strangers who read this page. Emily, an ex-co-worker of mine, said she couldn't believe I'd do it. And I spoke on the phone with Di last night, and we re-hashed this particularily juicy moment in my life.
Word of advice : I started telling people very humiliating and embarassing things about myself just recently, within the past 3 years, really. I was crippled by guilt and embarassment for years, and kept things to myself.
I found that, when spoken out loud, and no longer " secret ", these secrets no longer had any power over me. Others may not like hearing them, they may squirm in their seats when I tell it, but that is of no consequence to me. I got it off my chest, now you deal with it.
You've noticed, also, most of the embarassing stories are about me, I don't write all the secrets others tell me, unless they're dead, or I haven't spoken to them in years. In some cases, I may not even use names/full names, just to protect them. Most of these funny stories were written with permission. I usually tell someone, " That's going in my Blog tonight."
They may smile, or laugh. If they were to say, " Don't you dare ! " I wouldn't.
Anyway, I have enough crappy things happening to me to keep me posting everyday. I can't even write about everything Jay does, or I'd be in front of the computer until three in the morning. Believe me, I have enough material !
I'm not really ignorant, at a young age I was pretty much a pessimist, and didn't fall into the pits most youngsters find themselves in. I will rarely mention this , but I was married once before. Not really a marriage, I've had dates that lasted longer. ( The ex will simply be called " ex " in this story.)
I'm fully trustful in relationships, I am trustworthy, and I would expect a mate to feel the same . I have this in my marriage now, I am married to a wonderful man who is perfect for me in every way. I did not let past relationships scar my judgement and trust of people I meet now.

I'll try to tell it as simply as I can, I don't need to try to make it amusing : Keep in mind, this time I'm actually not embellishing, this is exactly how the story goes.

Crabs


The ex came home, worked up a solemn face, and asked, " Have you been itchy latey ?"
" No, why ?" I say.
" I found out today I have crabs." ex says.
" Gasp ! What ? " I say.
" All I can think is you got them at the gym, off a towel, or someone at your work has them, and you got it off a toilet seat, and gave them to me." ex says.
" Oh no." I say.
" Oh yes." ex says.
We proceed to the bedroom where we check out my thatch. There were three crabs. I was horrified. Could I have gotten them off a towel ? Who in the hell at work has them ? My mind was racing with the possibilities.
" We have to get some shampoo from the drugstore, tonight." I told him.
" I'll go now." ex says.
He goes and gets the " special " shampoo for vermin, and then shows me his scavengers.
I cannot describe it adequately enough, the teeming multitude of crabs he had crawling on his nether-region.
The shampoo was fine with my problem, but his was soo-oo-oo bad, he actually ended up shaving himself bald. ( And had a few weeks of the agony that comes with growth.)
You know, I actually went to work the next day, scrutinizing the toilet seats with a jaundiced eye ?

Honestly, it wasn't until months later, that I stopped and thought, " Wait a minute. I had three of those f**kers on me. How dare he !!" I was so indignant. He left me for another, and I'll never know where the crabs actually came from, but I still laugh at my complete ignorance.

My ex-co-worker Emily, well, my buddy Emily, I shall say, learned of this story in another funny episode.
When I worked at HELL, I was pretty close friends with a fellow named Gary. We talked about embarassing personal stories, and I told him my crab episode.
Weeks later, a group of 7 of us were outside smoking, and someone mentioned how Morgan looked like Jay, with blue eyes and blonde hair. I corrected them, saying, " Well, Jay isn't Morgan's natural father. He had brown eyes and was a brunette."
Gary :

" Oh ! Isn't that the guy who gave you crabs !?!"


I started laughing, while everyone turned to look at me, and said, " Yeah, that's the one ."
Gary's face was white, like a victim of shock, and he said, " Oh my God, Heather, I am SOOOO sorry ! "
I told him it was okay, I wasn't mad, but for the rest of the week , the poor lad was the butt of, " I don't know, ask Gary. He'll tell you ! " Jokes of that nature. He kept telling me, " I told you I was sorry."

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      ( 6:07 PM ) sisoflexx
I didn't write this...
I just thought it was freaking hilarious.
Heroic Family Dog Drags Problem Child
Back into Burning Building .

Like I said, I didn't write it.
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      ( 5:48 PM ) sisoflexx
That's nice.

Duisenberg's wife leaves town after angering Jews

The wife of the European Central Bank chief has left Amsterdam for her holiday home in France after outraging her Jewish neighbours by draping a Palestinian flag over her balcony and blaming Palestinian's woes on an "elite club of rich American Jews".
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      ( 5:45 PM ) sisoflexx
What the hell ?!?
Thug gets life for sex attack on woman, 88.
Any woman being attacked is bad enough. Young women protect ( or they should ) themselves against this possibility. Usually older women in Great Britain are worried about being mugged for their old age pension.
Now they have to expect this as well.
This world is screwed up.
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      ( 5:42 PM ) sisoflexx
An unusual murder, to say the least.....
Samurai sword suspect will not fight his extradition
Mr Lovelock, a carpenter, was last seen alive with Mr Markham at 8pm on Thursday. The pair had been drinking at a friend's house in Basingstoke.

All Mr Lovelock's body parts were found on Saturday during an extensive police search of the area.

His legs were discovered at the Russell Howard Park. His torso and one arm were found at a house in St Nicholas Court. His other arm was found in a nearby back garden on the same estate.

It is believed that Mr Lovelock, a father of two, may have been chopped up with a Samurai sword.

A post mortem examination showed that he died as a result of blows to the head with a blunt instrument.

Supt John James, leading the police investigation, said he believed that Mr Markham was the sole occupant of the house in St Nicholas Court.

Mr James added: "At this time our assessment of Richard Markham is that it's reasonable for us to say and warn the public that in our view he could be considered very dangerous and the public are encouraged not to approach him under any circumstances."

Mr Markham's father, Peter, who was a Conservative member of Basingstoke council and still works as a local party researcher, is a retired major.

He has been estranged from both his sons since the break-up of his marriage in 1994.

Major Markham was nicknamed "the Trolloping Major" by some tabloids when he left his wife of 20 years for a blonde lover.

"Richard seemed ordinary enough," said Phil Heath, a family friend.

Yesterday, Mr Lovelock's family were too distressed to comment. However, a friend said: "Tris was a lovely chap and we are all stunned by what has happened.

"He knew Richard well and they had been friends. Heaven knows what has happened to spark this murder."

( 2 June 2002: Severed head found in park )
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      ( 5:26 PM ) sisoflexx
I read this on Random Thoughts, about the increase in postage. It's just a blurb, the whole paragraph is great. She had a few more posts on there about being charged extra for condiments at fast food joints and a school boy being punished harshly for sucking on helium. Check it out, it's worth the trip !

"I can type one post here; and theoretically the whole world could read it in an instant and the Post Office doesn't get a dime. Why would I bother to write it down and mail it to you? It would take a week or more for you to receive it, by then it's old news. I don't even chance paying my bills through the mail anymore; I pay them all online. The only thing the mailman brings me is direct marketing crap, a few bills and some stuff from eBay. That is where the money is. My advice: Give up on letters, work on delivery, specifically, ON TIME PACKAGE DELIVERY. You get Priority Mail working reliably and you'll keep the Post Office afloat. Keep losing people's stuff and delivering 2-3 day packages 2 weeks late and the ship is gonna sink, my friends. "
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      ( 5:10 PM ) sisoflexx
Muppets At Denny's
Has anyone else noticed the irony ?
I heard this on a radioshow I listen to every morning, the MJ Morning Show.
Miss Piggy and Kermit are sitting there at Dennys, celebrating the 25th aniversary of The Muppets and Dennys. The waitress tells them the Grand Slam is at a special low price because of the anniversary, and Miss Piggy's yelling she wants 2 Grand Slams, then they show the picture of the plate, with the obligatory

2 slices of bacon and 2 sausage patties.



Miss Piggy's a cannibal !
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      ( 5:02 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Funny

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone
about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and
no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its
feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell
them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would
put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded them carefully and took him to his first animal
skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced
"Springbok." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot
with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car
trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari
Lion Shot with a .416 rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every
time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk
out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one
hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, I know I was drunk last
night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed
and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around abit
and loudly announced,

"Skunk, killed with an axe."
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      ( 4:56 PM ) sisoflexx
Today's Yana: She waltzes in wearing denim cut off capris, but that isn't what caught my eye. She had on one of those tiny shirts with thin spaghetti straps. " Where's your bra ?" I asked her.
" This has built in bra." answered Kiev. ( I have 2 of those shirts, given to me by Judi, Jay's mom, and I wear them as bras, under a t-shirt.) " I can see your nipples through the fabric ." I say.
" I'm putting another shirt over it, see ? " She then puts another equally revealing mini-tee over it. " Le-ee-ek !" )
" What are you trying to do , get a raise out of Semi ?" I yelled.
( I'm thinking Semi's the one that got a raise, tho'.)
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Jun 6, 2002
      ( 10:46 PM ) sisoflexx
Courtesy of Braylen's site, I found he had taken a lawrie malen : How Jedi are You?test. I did mine, and found out I was Yoda. A wizened,toady-like creature. Yea, that sounds about right.

:: how jedi are you? ::
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      ( 9:58 PM ) sisoflexx
Google Search: Movie Trailer Yana's Friends

Yep, I got a hit because of the Russkie.

Speaking of Yana, yesterday she wore a delicious outfit, as usual, and I told her I was going to have a daily commentary on her style. Then, I forgot about it, and today she wore something else that made heads turn. ( And rise .)
Todays: Long flowing , wrap-around skirt, with skin-tight shirt which appeared to be metallic snake skin print. Also- red flowered bra straps poking out.
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      ( 7:15 PM ) sisoflexx
In comments,
acidman writes :
I'll bet you saw a coyote, not a wolf, on the side of the road. They're making one hell of a comeback in Georgia.

I saw a two-headed, flying wombat in my garden last night. But I was VERY tired and drinking Yagermeister at the time. It was gone when I woke up this morning.

You know that he mentions it, it did more like a coyote.
I always tease Jay when he goes out to the car in the dark, to watch out for the " puma ". I guess I wasn't far off.
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      ( 7:09 PM ) sisoflexx
Funny for the day
This was sent to me be my step-mother, Marba :

YUCK!!

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security
system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or
two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see
hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only
a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system,
one
robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They
found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed,
the
robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy,
uncomfortably full stomach.


The newspaper headline read:


IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

Of course, it reeks of urban legend, but still enough to make you wonder !

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      ( 7:04 PM ) sisoflexx
As usual, no real news on the house...We met with Kathy tonight and counter-offered, but now that doesn't even seem exciting. Just old hat.
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      ( 7:02 PM ) sisoflexx
I've just added an album to the right. Cute pics of Morgan and Spaz.
I was going to put the pic of my father-in-law picking his nose, but that may be construed as hurtful.

Oh, wait, I guess I shouldn't have even mentioned it !
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Jun 5, 2002
      ( 8:22 PM ) sisoflexx
Tonight we watched " Swordfish", which we borrowed from Judi and Charles. Jay said the Travolta character, named " Gabriel", reminded him of my brother, because of the way he spoke. ( Not the accent, just the clipped-speech he was using. Oh, and maybe the big words and brash character ! )
Those who know Lex would understand, he has that voice that reminds you of a yipping lap dog. ( Just kidding, Lex. )
But it is fun to imitate. Everytime Travolta opened his mouth, through the whole movie, Jay would imitate Lex's voice, word for word. I laughed the first few times, then made him stop for a few minutes. Then half way through, I caught myself doing it too !

Another funny Jayism: When the leading lady shows up for the first time, Jay muttered, " Oh, great, another Holly Berry look-a-like, because the studio couldn't afford the real one !"
I just sighed , and rolled my eyes in exasperation.
" What ? What did I say now ?" Jay said.
" That is Halle Berry." I say.
" Really? Oh, hahahahahaha!" he says.

I guess you had to be there.
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      ( 8:10 PM ) sisoflexx
Something on the house....
....We didn't hear from them last night when we were supposed to, and today we hear the counter-offer is a few thousand above my budget. I called the mortgage company to have them run a higher amount for pre-approval, something I didn't want to do.
Then Jay tells me the seller wants 5 days after closing to move out fully ?
That's only my week off, when I could be doing some moving of my own....
Not too happy.
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      ( 7:36 PM ) sisoflexx
Bears In Atlanta
There have been two bears sighted in the Atlanta suburbs over the past few days. One was tranq'd and shuttled back to the woods, I didn't hear anything on the other one.
And don't laugh, but Monday, while driving to work, south on I-985, I swear I saw a wolf sitting on the side of the highway, scatching behing it's ear. No, it wasn't a husky. Maybe a half-breed, who knows ? Definetly ' Call Of The Wild ' strain.
Then, a few miles down, I saw a small deer standing there , on the side of the road. What the ???
Turkey vulture today, sitting there, eying me. Ugh ! It's a regular zoo around here !

Speaking of bears, here's our :
Joke for the day
It was a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his
big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the
serving hatch from the kitchen and yells: "For Pete's sake, how many times
do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It
was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who
put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food
dish. And NOW that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your
presence.... listen good, because I'm only going to say this ONE more time:
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F!@#$%ING PORRIDGE YET!!!!"
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      ( 7:35 PM ) sisoflexx
I've changed Weather Pixie again, in honor of Diana.
It will be called " Diana Pixie " forthwith. ( What ever forthwith means. Is it a word, do you know ? I don't know. Someone knows !)
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Jun 4, 2002
      ( 5:48 PM ) sisoflexx
We still haven't heard anything about the house. Jay's pretty much bummed. There may be a good excuse as to why it's taking so long, but if they needed more time, they could've asked.
Maybe it's a silly sike-out tactic, but our realtor reassured Jay that the seller seemed really motivated yesterday. Who knows ? ( Right, Diana ? ) I do know this : If they break Jay's heart, I'll go down there and break their legs.
Well, I'll shove some papers off their realtor's desk, and knock her coffee cup on the floor, or something.
That'll teach her, but good.
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      ( 5:43 PM ) sisoflexx
Funny for the day :

These are things people actually said in US court, word for word,
taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
_____________________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_____________________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_____________________________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
___________________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
_____________________________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_____________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_____________________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
_____________________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_____________________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
____________________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
_____________________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.







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Jun 3, 2002
      ( 5:07 PM ) sisoflexx
I've just spent an hour trying to post pics of our soon-to-be-house.
Screw it, I'll just e-mail it to friends who give a crap.
Jay heard from the realtor today, saying the guy who's selling seems to want to accept our offer. We just need to get details on the VA Loan about the well on the property. Lots of stupid crap, but we've extended the counter-offer date until tomorrow. Jay was hoping to hear something tonight. I'm still catching him staring dreamily at the print up with the house pic on it. Oh well, we'll hear tomm., and hopefully the seller won't ask for more money. It doesn't look like it, but you never know.
The scary part is, that this may all go smoothly, and I'll realize I have to actually pack !
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      ( 5:02 PM ) sisoflexx
Two jokes for today....

"Walking Economy"

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a
walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation,
and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."


"Perfect Service"

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500
IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down
his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's
table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but
I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

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      ( 3:38 PM ) sisoflexx
- - - > PromoGuy.net Presents: Monday Mission 2.22
1. Who or where do you go to when you need help for web-related problems?
My brother, Alexander T. Gibson, Jr. Ha ha !
2. There is a big mess of gossip going on in some Blogs out there due to revelations about a very popular Blogger. I got very caught up in reading all the links to links about it until I stopped myself realizing it was none of my buisiness. Do you ever get caught up in gossip, either speading it or listening to it? How does it make you feel? Or have you ever been the subject of gossip?
I love gossip. I know it's not P.C., but I do it, and about 99.9 % of the world's population does it. I just admit it. So, to answer the latter part of the question, yes, I get gossiped about.
3. In a relationship, when your other takes a dig at you (read: a fight), do you go for the jugular and get "in their face" or try to peacefully smooth things out and have a calm discussion?
My " other " doesn't try to fight me. He knows better !
4. A friend once told me "You can tell when someone is bored with what you are saying to them when they reply with 'That's interesting.'" And I have found this to be pretty dang true. How do you know when someone has lost interest in what you are saying?
.........
.......What ?
Oh- they do the : " Someone's at the door, I have to let you go ! "
Another is my invention, I think... I've told Diana when she needs to get rid of someone on the phone, just push a number on the keypad, and say it's call waiting. Gotta go !!!
5. Ever get jealous of the popularity other Blogs?
No. Most of them I've visited are well thought out, and seem to be written by some very witty and intellegent persons. They deserve the popularity.
6. What is your favorite dirty word? (those who don't curse can pick your favorite happy word)
Too many. All of them, really, take your pic. F**cker is a great one, can be used when you stub your toe, or as an endearment to your hubby.
7. (the continuing story...) OK, we are definitely doing that again. But seeing as it is nearly 6am now, how about breakfast? Anywhere you'd like to go or should we fix our own? What do you like? Or is there something else we need to do first?
First, give me that $20 you owe me for the drinks.
If sober enough to go out- Denny's. If not, drunkenly stumble around the kitchen's sharp implements and hot cooking surfaces. Whip out some over/underdone eggs and half peeled potatoes with red splotches from earlier bout with a sharp knife.
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Jun 2, 2002
      ( 8:08 PM ) sisoflexx
Did you miss me ?

We went looking for houses again , Saturday. We found 2 that we would actally offer for. The first one is an A- Frame I found in a real estate book, and we gave to Kathy our realtor to find more about it. Jay was jonesing for this place before we even got there, and once he saw it he had an erection for the rest of the day. The next house we saw was just as great, but I told Jay, I like them both equally, and if he loved the other one more, we'd offer for it. We've been very lucky with Kathy, every weekend we've gone out with her, we've found something. The other 2 just didn't work out. Oh well.

After we were done with all the paperwork, we headed down to Judi and Charles, to stay the night and bring back Morgan. We spent the day at THE POOL, a lovely oasis in the backyard. It really is beautiful, I've posted a couple of pictures of it. It was 95 degrees today, so I spent very little time in the sun, I sat in the shade of the umbrella. It was my first day out in the pool. Jay went in yesterday evening, so he doesn't count. Morgan's already got the tan thing going on.

One funny story...As I went to bed last night, Jay was watching " Castaway ". This morning when I woke up, he said, " I know I had too much too drink last night, because when Tom Hanks lost his volleyball, I started sobbing. I even laughed as I was sobbing, thinking, I'm crying because Tom Hanks lost his god-damn volley ball ! " Then he did a perfect imitation : " WI-II-LL-S-SS-OONNNNN!!!! Wi--ii-lll-so-ooonnnn!!! Ahhhgghhh-aa-aa--!"
He said he knew he ( Tom Hank's ) wasn't crying just for a volleyball, he realized all he had lost, and that it was all over. And Jay said that was why he was sobbing like a baby.

I know it was really because of Wilson, though.

Funny thing, we watched that a year ago, and he said he liked the movie, except the part where Hank's goes apeshit over the damn volleyball. Hee hee !

Update :
Morgan asked to get on the phone with his buddy, whom he talked to an hour before... When he got on, he said to me- " Ooops ! I forgot, your realtor called."
I said, " When ?!"
He said, " When I was talking to Joq, last time. I'm sorry, I forgot !"
I said, " Get off the phone, tell Joq you'll call him back !"
Jay was already running over, Morgan was upset, I told him to calm down, no one was mad at him.
Jay spoke to Kathy, and she told him the seller's realtor and she had been on the phone back and forth a few times today, and the seller seems really keen on it, there's just a few details about the VA Loan, and if the ' well ' on the property will be a muddle in the whole deal. So now I have to make all these calls tommorrow to the lenders. Agh !
Well, Jay's now laying in the recliner listening to Genisis, with a little pup tent in his shorts going on.
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      ( 7:37 PM ) sisoflexx
Congrats to Acidman...
...For being hit # 1,000 !

I can't find the comment I left, but I gave you hit #1,000. That's a milestone! Blog on!

Yes, hit #1,000 came from Acidman. I timed everything perfectly. Or I was lucky as hell. Either way, I DID IT!
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      ( 7:32 PM ) sisoflexx
Okay, I can see why people would hit my site looking in reference to a porno :
Yahoo! Search Results for Diana's Diaper Discipline
But, I have to wonder who in the hell would look up this :
Google Search: heather farted
Just have to wonder.
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      ( 7:28 PM ) sisoflexx
Joke for the day:
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable
words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any
multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane.
That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Mike. Knowing Mike's more mature sense of humor
she picks Johnny instead. "OK Johnny, what is your word." "Saturday."
says Johnny. "Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Mike says "I know a four syllable word.
Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large ,
the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Mike what is your four syllable word?"
Mike proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Mike. Four syllables! That certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'Blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
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