( 4:10 PM ) sisoflexx

Today's Funny

Words to Live By

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who screwed us in the past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

( 4:08 PM ) sisoflexx

Feeling bad ?
Well, don't....

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you're not. But YOU only have the one asshole.
Feel better?

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( 4:06 PM ) sisoflexx

I can't believe I've had

3000

hits on my site !

People have so much time on their hands, nowadays.

Thanks, guys and gals.

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( 8:26 PM ) sisoflexx

Spent a lovely day out with Judi, she took me and the boys ( Morgan's friend Joq is over for the weekend ) to a movie and dinner. She spoiled him with all these great gadgets, so that will shut the boys up for the rest of the night. Thank God for Nintendo !
She also spoiled us with dinner, and brought up some more crap of mine from her storage space. And I was making such good progress, too ! ( sob ! )
Hope you all had a great weekend !

kiss kiss.

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( 8:19 PM ) sisoflexx

My brother has a wonderful birthday greeting :
I'm terrible. I completely forgot that it's my nephew's birthday today.

Happy birthday, you Little Fucker.

And here's Morgan's sweet thank you note :

Thanks, you big fucker !

-- Morgan
-- # Aug 24 2002, 09:13 pm

Close your eyes, Mum !

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( 8:35 AM ) sisoflexx

Grabbed this from Donna. I love these quizzes !

You Are Sam!

You Are Sam From "Benny & Joon."

You are very talented at physical comedy. People are in awe of your abilities. However, you have many quirks which can either win people over or completely annoy them. But you're a sweetheart through and through, and it's hard not to love you.

Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!

She also had this incredible funny story about the playoffs, and rude parents w/ kids :
"...Then mom moved over and sat with dad all the way to the right, and their kids sit all the way to the left, next to me (just dandy). The kids ended up spilling french fries on my leg and then just minutes later they knocked the whole cup of them over on my legs. One of the children was maybe three years old, and as the game was just starting she began to cross over us in the four seats in between to her mom and dad, forcing us all to stand up and be distracted from the game, but again I figured that all of these little annoyances would start to settle down. Ten minutes later though, the little girl decided that she wanted to go back to the over side and crosses over us yet again. Ok, now I've had enough and tell Carol that I'm not letting them cross in front of us back and forth anymore as it was getting ridiculous. A woman named Caroline and her husband who also had season tickets, were sitting next to me and Carol and they also found what was going on to be extremely rude and annoying. Mind you, this is the playoffs and seats aren't cheap, so nobody wants to be putting up with crap like this. And you'd think it would've settled down, but oh no, the little girl started to cross in front of us again. Finally I said to the dad, "Let's not have any of this going on anymore -- we're all getting annoyed with it" and then the mom and dad suddenly just went totally ballistic, cursing and shouting ..."

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( 8:21 AM ) sisoflexx

Visit the The lexfiles if you get a chance...

He's realizing he has way too much useless crap filling his home...
" How many field jackets do I need to keep around? Really? And do I really need an extreme cold weather parka (complete with liner and hood) that will fit over a field jacket (with liner)? How many times will I be trudging around in arctic conditions in the next few? Really?

While I'm at it, do I really need my Army dress uniform?

Is it ever too late to throw away the big bottle of Polo that someone got you for your sixteenth birthday?

When does my interest in the Ipswich Town Football Club of the late seventies cease to be quirky and move right into "weird"? Does anybody even remember Paul Mariner or Mick Mills anymore? Do they still have buttons with the players faces on them? I didn't think so. Do I still need to keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings? (My mother would reach across the Atlantic and slap me if she read that).

How many AOL beer coaster CD's can one man use? "

Does this sound like me, or what !?
It's... Jeanettics!

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( 8:01 AM ) sisoflexx

Oh, and before I forget....

Happy 12th Birthday,

Morgie !!!

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( 8:00 AM ) sisoflexx

Rachel's joke :
( She's sick ! )

A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee, grits, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him.

The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up north, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."

The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence. The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down South.

Then the Southerner asks: "Y'all have sex up North?"

Northerner: "Why of course we do", the Northerner says, as he pops another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."

Southerner: We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, recycle 'em, melt 'em down into bubble gum and sell 'em to Yankees."

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( 7:58 AM ) sisoflexx

This was sent to me from Ameena, of " Wierd ER Stories "
People are so strange !

--- A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy we live sheltered lives - thank goodness)

BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

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( 7:55 AM ) sisoflexx

Yes, I know, I'm a slacker !
Every day I find something else to fix or decorate in the house. And I spend the evening watching TV, I feel doubly guilty because I didn't do house work, OR get on my blog !
So excuse my negligence !
Nothing much to report, really !
I've gotten the kitchen curtains done, by recycling my old living room curtains. I went out with Rachel last Friday and bought new sheets for our new bed and a new shower curtain- ooooohhhh!
I spent a few hours downstairs yesterday, rearranging the boxes in the basement, putting up shelves, etc.
Rachel showed up with Jay's dream toy, a pellet gun. Which didn't work, now he's bummed. He's ready to do some damage to the squirrels in our yard. They pull the figs from our tree, then run up the side of our house. You can hear them scratching around on the roof. Really annoying rats.
Anyhoo, I'm looking forward to a visit from Diana next week, so that will be less time spent blogging, but you can see what I'm up against !

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( 6:30 PM ) sisoflexx

Morgan's first day of school, yesterday !
I made sure when the bus loaded with junior- and high- school students pulled up, I would be seen kissing and hugging on him, just so they would know how much he is loved. This I know will bring him popularity.
What a cool kid ! ! !

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( 6:19 PM ) sisoflexx

By the way, I'm so very proud of myself, I've painted the cabinets on one side of the kitchen a very dark ( hunter ) green, opposed to the original pea vomit soup hue of before. It looks really good, for an amatuer !
I'm working late, I'm driving far, and don't feel up to hours of blogging, like in the past, so please bear with me !

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( 6:15 PM ) sisoflexx

Today's Funny :

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long- forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered:

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me now.. "

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( 5:54 PM ) sisoflexx

Acidman left this Comment
about ' Risk ' :
I would KILL YOU at Risk. I play to win, then brag about it when I do.

Well, I find it funny that Morgan and Jay always talk me into a game of Risk, that I'm not fully willing to play. I always feel protective of my son, and feel ill when I have to attack one of his countries. I'm always squeamish about confrontation in this form, for some reason or another, whether it be Jay or Morgan. Be that as it may, I've won 99 % of the games we've played. Being less greedy, or more careful about what you covet actually works in my favor. We always laugh at the end of the game at how I had to be badgered into playing, then I slaughter both of them.
So, Rob, you may not want to tangle with me in this particular game ! ;o)

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( 6:04 PM ) sisoflexx

These are the hits I get :
This is just sad.
Sad and wrong , folks !
Google Search: child sex snakes birthday
Yahoo! Search Results for stories of son giving mum orgasms
AOL Search: Search Results for "free dad fucking son pic sits"

I don't even have this crap in my blog, and even when I look at the searches, there's nothing remotely hinting that I have this crap in my blog. Yet these sad people feel compelled to check it out, just in case I have juicy sick stories in here.
That's nice.

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( 6:02 PM ) sisoflexx

Today's Funny
submitted by Ameena

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at
the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what
we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's
have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all
these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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( 5:41 PM ) sisoflexx

PromoGuy dot Ne PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.31
1. Ever considered just deleting your Blog and not doing it anymore? What prompted that and what stopped you?
Yes. Out of self pity that I get few readers, then Jay pointed out I should be doing it for myself, and not other people. And he's right, as usual.
2. How about a quick review of the last movie you saw?
On Tv : 'Field Of Dreams'., great sentimental sappy story. On Video : ' Vanilla Sky '- hated it. What the hell happened there ? Theater : I can't remember. I think it was 'Spy Kids'. That tells you how often I get out.
I didn't even see Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. I blow. ( Literally )
3. What's your favorite gadget? Are you lusting for any new ones? Will you ever be satisified???
None. I don't make purchases like that lightly. My tv is older than my son.
4. Saturday night I played "UNO" for the first time in years, I mean it has been over 10 years since I played it. It was great fun, but it really made me want to learn how to play Backgammon again. What "table game" do you enjoy playing most with other people? Have you played it lately?
My favorite is Pictionary, but there's only three of us, so we can't play. It must be ten years past, now.
We also like to play Monopoly, Risk, and the Simpsons' Trivia game, but those are such a hassle to get going, ie : clean table, that it's been a long time !
5. About a year ago I was obsessed with loosing weight, and I dropped pretty low before I got a handle on things (I've actually gained about 8 pounds of it back, and it is still a struggle sometimes to not try to loose it). Thankfully, I like fattening sweets and buttery popcorn too much to live like that for too long. Have you ever been obsessed with something so much that it was close to causing you physical or mental harm? If not, have you known anyone else who has?
Me, just beer and cigarettes. Anyone else? Naw, just a few casual friends who lived and died by the needle.
6. Did you grow up in a family or community that displayed racist or prejudice attitudes? Did it influence you in any way, either toward or away from those views? How did you manage to avoid it, or did you?
We didn't have it in our immediate family, but a few friends and relatives are like that. I'm the most " un " racist person I know. Then again, I think all people are assholes.
7. Good grief, I am starving! You got anything to eat around here?
Yeah, me. Just kidding. Our house is usually loaded with crap we shouldn't be eating. Help yourself. Just don't touch the Sour Cream and Onion Pringles I hide in the back, you bastard.

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( 8:39 PM ) sisoflexx